June brings summer storms...

...and with it, a perhaps stormy attitude. As the thunder rattles the building, streaks of electric blue light flash outside against the muggy grey of afternoon sky. Rain hits the windows, normally a sound of comfort for me, but today I feel more trapped. I went to the farmers market this morning for an hour. Pickings were slim, and I felt the storm coming in. Time to go. Zach came over for an hour or so, and we sat catching up on the past 5 years since we'd seen each other last. I was struck by how much has happened. How much has changed. The many different lives I've led in such a small span of time. He as well. The storm continued after he left, and I spent the rest of the day truly at a loss for what do with myself. I yearned to go outside, to take my bike out, work and stretch muscles, pedal and pound out my stress, and sweat out all the annoying thoughts that flood my brain. Flood. I think of the steady downpour outside and begin to picture it coming through the windows, filling up our living room, surrounding and engulfing me as I sit in my arm chair. I try to collect some sense of peace, quite, stillness from the water that has now entirely filled our apartment, try revel in the tranquility of drowning. I can't. My mind is elsewhere and everywhere, and though I feel like I can't breathe, it's not a peace but a panic. I don't do well when I'm bored. It only aggravates and frustrates me. Rick and Jolene come over at night. We make a huge batch of curry and fill ourselves to satisfaction. Our conversation is good and goes on well into the night. But, eventually, they must go, and I am left again to deafening silence and solitary sleeplessness. I would take a sleeping pill, but on call starts in a few hours. I am realizing that I picked up too many extra shifts, and it is taking a toll on me physically and mentally. I want the sun to come back. I want to feel the air drift over my face as I cut through it on the trails. I want to feel my skin burn and turn to brown in summer rays. And I want to stay out and avoid coming home to an empty apartment.

I feel like maybe I'm being needy and whiny right now. But maybe it's just the weather.